jagovino All stages of parenting are hard. New parents always think that the newborn stage is the hardest. Then you get into the toddler years and the terrible twos and think this must be the hardest part of parenting. The truth is, it never gets easier, only harder in different ways. This is not meant to scare the mamas of young kids, rather to let you breath a sigh of relief that whatever stage you are in right now, know it is just that- a stage, and this too shall pass. But look out for the tween stage! I was not prepared for this one…
I have been teaching middle school for 20 years and therefore I consider myself somewhat of an expert on adolescence. They are moody, lethargic, unapproachable at times, and basically a hot mess. They are dealing with hormones and social pressures and friendships and crushes and it’s all just a lot for their little minds to take in. I have been preparing to parent my own adolescent for years with my training as a middle school teacher. What I have not been trained for is that stage right before your child officially becomes a raging ball of hormones, and is considered a “tween” (in between being a kid and a teenager). This stage has by far been the hardest to parent.
The Good: My tween has always been a mamas boy. He still holds my hand and wants to snuggle at night. Even though he is almost as tall as me, he still has occasions where he asks for me to lay in bed with him, or to rub his back and the sweet boy I have known for 10 whole years appear right in front of me. This is the best part of this stage, he’s still a little boy, and still needs his parents, and isn’t quite yet embarrassed by it. I will embrace this part knowing that in a few short years he will want nothing to do with me, let alone a snuggle in bed!
The Bad: The mood swings in the tween years are intense. I always thought this only happened during adolescence, but let me tell you- I have seen two sides of my son and he’s only 10! One minute he is happy and content and the next he is shrieking or stomping his feet about some silly little thing that is “ruining his life”. I have often found that if I talk to him calmly during these outbursts, he always snaps too and becomes a normal human again. It’s like I am seeing his brain shift right before my eyes. This shift is the part of adolescence that creates these mood swings- it’s like one side of their brains is saying one thing and the other side is saying something completely opposite and they have to figure it out, all on their own.
The Ugly: The worst part of becoming an adolescent is the stress that comes along with belonging and being liked. I am already seeing my son struggle with wanting to look cool in front of his peers and friends and worrying about what others think of him. As a mom, this breaks my heart because I want everyone to know how amazing how he is and everyone to love him. But as an adult, and a teacher, I know the reality is not everyone is going to love him, let alone like him, and his heart will get broken from time to time. This is the hardest pill to swallow as my son enters his teenage years.
The Advice: Most veteran parents and educators will tell you the best thing to do with moody pre-teens it to let them be, let them grow and learn and figure out who they are all by themselves. After-all, that is one thing they are really craving, independence, but afraid of it at the same time, which is partially what causes their constant mood swings. Most of my friends who have tweens or teenagers just tell me to drink more wine and wait it out, which I am sure is what my mom would tell me if she was here.
When you have a baby, you constantly worry about all the ways your new precious bundle could be hurt or in pain. As your kids grow up, you realize that there will be times when they are hurt and in pain, and as a parent, you have to allow them to feel that pain in order to grow. This has been the hardest part of the tween years for me so far. Letting go of always wanting to fix things for my son, or do them for him, knowing that he needs to learn on his own. So to the mamas of babies out there, hold them close, suck in all of those baby milestones and sleepless nights. I won’t say it gets easier, because that is a lie, but know that you are always doing what is best for your child no matter what stage of life they are in. I don’t have a magic answer for dealing with this stage of parenting, but I do know that I will embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly and learn to enjoy the moments of sweetness as much as the angsty outbursts.
Loved this post! As a high school teacher myself, I thought I would have the answers to parenting this stage! It’s nice to know that I am not alone and that my 11 year old son’s antics are normal adolescent behavior! The biggest thing I’m learning is to not stress too much, love them, and encourage them:). Before we know it they’ll be away in college and we’ll be wishing these years back!
Its so true that as teachers we think we are prepared, but its always different when its you own kid! At least its good to know, we are in this together. Thanks for reading and responding!!
I like the first point you made there, but I am not sure I could reasonably apply that in a postive way.
Which point are you referring to? Its def hard to always be positive around a moody tween but they need that positive reinforcement as much as anyone.
There is definately a lot to know about this topic. I love all of the points you have made. Tamqrah Thibaud Prudence